Honey Dog Tales - Three

By Walt Perryman

Honey dog update to all canines

How many of you dogs have experienced this: You are sound asleep dreaming of real jerky, you are startled when your 220-pound master falls down and puts a half nelson on you, Here I am 20, o.k. 24 pounds. Then my master brings out the nail clippers.

I fight back but I do not bite, not sure if he has had his shots. Then while I am trying to not pass out with this slab of meat laying on me, he says, “It is o.k., Honey, I am not going to hurt you, love that girl.” And he goes on and on while my eyes are about to pop out. He finally gets it done before I black out.

Now dogs, would it not be funny if someday when he is sleeping if five men would jump on him, pin him down, and cut his toenails? That would be a hoot!!! He weighs about 10 times more than I do. His poor life would never be the same after a traumatic episode like that. Yet, he does it to me every couple of months. I think I will start chewing my toenails off then maybe he will give up, But I doubt it.

Have a good day my fellow dogs.

Checkup time by Honey dog

Well, my fellow canines do not fall for the old, “Let's go bye, bye" , routine. I can tell by the way my master acts that he is up to something. if you go out in the yard to relieve yourself and you notice your master has snuck up behind you and is catching your poop with a scoop, that is the time to beware.

Then whamo, we pull into that place with dogs and cats everywhere and it hits me like a ton of taste like bacon crap. We are at the Vet’s torture chamber. Oh! Yea my master, my caretaker, my jerk drops me off and walks out, leaves me with strangers. He probably went out to you know where, leaves me there with people sticking needles in me. Running tests on my, stuff!!! Stuff means dog poop.

Then about 7 hours later he prances back in and starts the, “How is my Honey?” I would like to take his leg off, the stupid jerk, baling wire, duct tape, oilfield trash master of mine. I have had shots, fingers stuck up my rear, manicure, cultured, blood test, you name it, I got it. Then here is the insult, they put an Iguana in the cage beside me while I was waiting for my torture time. That was the ugliest big lizard I have ever seen, it just sits there and stared at me for hours, sticking out his tongue, I could not sleep because that dragon was watching me, it was terrible.

Then on the way home my master is gripping, “195 bucks, Honey Dog, you owe me, you are not worth that much, I bet I have a thousand dollars a pound in you,” Anyway he just rambles on and on, the poor ex-drilling foreman goofball. Hopefully, it will be another year before he pulls this again.

So, my canine friends here are some advice, if you go out in the yard to relieve yourself and your master has a scoop, that is the time to beware.

Have a good dog day my canine friends.