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Biography: Leo C. (Tha's Me!) Helmer

In spite of all the warnings from forebears, my mother and father decided to produce an offspring. It seems as though I came about as an afterthought, since the stubborn Irish and German background were an inducement for my parents to push ahead with the deed anyway.

So here I am, and now at this late stage in life some of my fans, friends, and acquaintances, (and even some of my enemies, I'm sure they are looking for my flaws, and it's a shame they can't find any) have persuaded me to write this story of my life.

Where do I begin, other than to say that I have inherited all the stubborness of those before me. How stubborn? Well, since I never wanted to do this in the first place, I did it because someone told me I couldn't.

In spite of my mischievious, fun loving childhood, I did grow up, but then to this day everyone asks 'Leo, when are you going to grow up?' This being a profound question, I have no answer. And since I believe that I am the oldest, wisest mortal placed here, to date that is, I accept the fact without question that I, indeed, am grown up. So let's proceed to the basics, like what happened between the years of birth and the present status of wise ass?

It wasn't too long after beginning life that as a young boy in kindergarten I was advanced to the first grade in a very short time. This of course had an interpretation (mine of course) of being a very smart little boy. Later I learned the true reason: my teachers were damn tired of me being assertive. So their reasoning was that if I was placed into an advanced environment, that the progression would slow the aggression.

It seems my mother had a bearing on my aggressiveness, since (although I am named Leo Curry Helmer) she insisted that my name was Francis Xavier Helmer. And, that is how I was enrolled in school, so had to whomp up on the other kindergartners who usually called me Francis The Sissy.

After years of vanity and self-assurance that I indeed was the greatest, I did manage to graduate from high school (to everyone's dismay.) And, was told now that I was a 'grown up' I had to act like a 'grown up' (translation, 'Get a Job'.)

Well, that was easy for most young boys at the time since a war was going on. However, for me, it was not so easy as I was very near-sighted and no army of any country on earth wanted the association of a rifle with a kid that couldn't see what he was supposed to shoot.

Of course this led to a draft classification of 4F. A big put-down to a smart-ass that knew how intelligent and assertive he really was. That didn't stop me from getting rid of the 4F put-down. I, sure that I could get into some service by hook or crook, memorized all the eye charts in town and made the rounds of the recruiting offices. However, getting there required glasses on and then reading the Eye charts without. This was an insurmountable problem since when I walked into the various offices I was seen to wear thick, heavy glasses. And, (being the smart-ass that I was) I could read the charts from top to bottom. However, when questioned as to the reason for the 'specks' I had no reasonable answer and a new eye chart was pulled down for me to try to read. After a few attempts at this, I finally took out for New Orleans on a riverboat as an engine room hand. While there I passed the Coast Guard exams for various engine room endorsements. All that was required was to pass a written test and register with a Union to get into the Merchant Marine, and there I stayed.

And, on one of my leaves I did manage to get married, just because everybody else was doing it. But, not being housebroken I remained a Merchant Mariner until the end of the Korean Conflict.

That end was a new beginning. As one job terminated a new one was necessitated. The question 'What the hell am I going to do now?' was answered very simply. Russ Prescott, a seaman buddy, and I hit the beach with a nice payoff after about a year at sea. And, where would you think a sailor goes to spend his money? Well, of course, the nearest bar on the beach. As would happen, if you hit a bar, you are bound to find a situation not always found on any other street corner. It so happened that a 'down on his luck' truck driver was cryin' in his beer.

Surely, this here good ol' boy would never let another human suffer in silence without intervention. To make a long story short, we bought his rig. Now we had a job, so we thought.

To be sure, we did own a truck and trailer, and other things that are common to such a piece of equipment. However, we did not own a license to move the rig. Getting a license we thought was easy, and it is if you are going to drive a car to work on Monday morning. But we were going to transport property for other people so the ordinary license was pretty useless. As we soon learned we needed to get acquainted with the ICC, the DOT, a few PUC's, and even in those days before big government, a bunch of other agencies we never even heard of. We did run into a nice guy who ran a warehouse in town that the rig was leased to. He, feeling sorry for a couple of dumb sailors who just hit the beach, told us how to get off on the right foot and about a company program to train drivers and show them how to pack household goods.

My self-assuredness first wondered why the hell anybody had to show me anything, but to this day I guess I thank the guy because without all that six weeks of training we would have been broke after the first trip.

We did take our rig and use it as our transportation home from San Pedro, CA to St. Louis, where I picked up my wife and told her we were moving on to Michigan with Russ. After all, she was glad to see me again after about a year, so she didn't argue too much. Anyway, Russ and his family had a nice house and some other property in Dowagiac, MI where we settled in.

After the schooling we were on our way with a load of new kitchens from Youngstown, OH and from there it just went on. We made some money and even bought a couple of more rigs and had a driver working for us. All attributed to my active mind and all-knowing astuteness. We even put our wives and girlfriends and other assorted hangers on to work driving flag cars or trucks when we had oversized loads.

Wouldn't you know it, things go great for awhile and then something always comes along to complicate the circumstances. My daughter was born and now I had to learn a lot of lessons. My wife decided she would stay home to take care of the new arrival, and I had to work a little harder to compensate for the loss of income. And, not long after, my friend Russ passed on to the big wide interstate in the sky. To avoid all the legal eagles, we just took a rig and returned to Missouri.

For awhile I managed to make a living moving tool and construction trailers to work sites and hauling heavy construction equipment. But, I was wearing out rigs as fast as I was paying for them so finally gave up.

About the same time I began to have a lot of trouble with my eyes and really didn't want to drive over the road as I did have a good safety record. In about 1964, I had to have a cataract operation, but that was not a simple one as I did have other eye problems, and lost the sight of the right eye. Of course, being Leo C., that was only a slight set-back, and I decided that I knew so damn much about driving that I started a driving school. And, since I was known by my competitors as the only blind driving instructor in the world, business really took off.

After a number of years of that, and progressive eye problems, I got out of that endeavor and became a loafer. But, then since loafing is not lucrative, I did such things as bartending, bartering, and bar-hopping. And, since even that is not a time consuming task, I became a volunteer for several agencies. After all, I did know everything so was in demand by many organizations. One thing that I like to do is cook, and in spite of myself am a good outdoor entertainer and barbecue connoisseur. And, while loafing found a new lackey who relished such relaxation.

John and I used to go to chili cookoffs for various charitable organizations and help in fundraising. We even, in spite of ourselves, got a prize or two once in a while, so it was suggested that I write the recipes for the various things that we cooked. "So who reads a cookbook?' I wondered. Thereby was the first inklings of my inborn wit and humor. If Aunt Em or Granny was going to read a recipe, she surely wasn't going to let the likes of me show her up. But, she might read some recipe that attracted her attention and might even be good; and she might even tell the rest of the family that it was how she done it 50 years ago. I enjoyed writing these recipes, and getting a laugh out of everyone who read them, and then when they found out they worked, my writing career was launched. Some of the recipes were even published in the local papers by a good friend and fellow preacher, Elaine Viets. Oh, yes, I am a preacher too, got the calling for a 5 buck donation to a Arkansas traveling preacher, who blessed me with my certificate to preach, baptise, bury and pass the platter. He even suggested that if I were to make a twenty five buck donation he could proclaim me a bishop, however I wasn't quite ready for the sudden advanced calling, and passed on that.

Elaine and I became friends when she began to write stories about the carryings-on and strange customs of a certain south-side cultural group. Of course, on occasion I fed her bits of info which she quoted. A few years later when I decided to wed my second wife, Elaine performed the ceremony at a local bar and got the entire event broadcast on a local TV station. That was a fun event, and brought attention to me as the nut of the networks.

My new wife liked my writings and always asked me to explain various bits of the Good Book to her, since I had that legitimate certificate to preach. Thereby were the first Biblical interpretations, by me, Leo C. And, surely they had to be spoofs of the infallible ramblings. And, who else but me, Leo C., would undertake to undermine the uncovered secrets of the universe and purport to promote an understanding of such a work. Well, who else, but me? Leo C.

Now, at this time of my life, it should be understandable, that as far as I am concerned, life is beautiful. My feeling is that it should not be taken as some serious event, but rather a "progression of peculiar procedures making progress toward a point in time when populations will pervade the perceivable universe" (my quote.)

Leo C. tha's me!!!

 

Type Month Year Title
Column November 1999 Cookin' with Leo
Column December 1999 Cookin' With Leo
Column February 2000 Cookin' With Leo
Column March 2000 Cookin' With Leo
Article April 2000 Astrology
Column April 2000 Cookin' With Leo
Column May 2000 Cookin' With Leo
Article June 2000 Open Letter
Column June 2000 Cooking with Leo
Article July 2000 To All My Readers
Column July 2000 Cookin' With Leo
Column September 2000 Cooking With Leo
Article October 2000 A Short History of Western Swing
Column October 2000 Cookin' With Leo
Column November 2000 Cookin' With Leo
Column December 2000 Cookin' with Leo
Column January 2001 Cookin' With Leo
Article February 2001 Lupercalia
Column February 2001 Cookin' with Leo
Article March 2001 Some True Tales And
Column March 2001 Cookin' with Leo
Column April 2001 Cookin' with Leo
Column May 2001 Cookin' With Leo
Column June 2001 Cookin' With Leo
Column July 2001 Cookin' With Leo
Article August 2001 Remembering Heroes - August 1945
Column August 2001 Cookin' With Leo
Column September 2001 Cookin' With Leo
Column October 2001 Cookin' with Leo
Column November 2001 Cookin' with Leo
Column December 2001 Cookin' With Leo
Column January 2002 Cookin' With Leo
Article February 2002 All About Lent, Easter Dates, and...
Column February 2002 Cookin' With Leo
Column March 2002 Cookin' With Leo
Article April 2002 Winning The Fight Against Terrorism
Article April 2002 More On Western Swing
Column April 2002 Cookin' with Leo
Column May 2002 Cookin' With Leo
Column June 2002 Cookin' With Leo
Column July 2002 Cookin' With Leo
Column August 2002 Cookin' With Leo
Article September 2002 Some More Western Swing
Article September 2002 An Editorial: One Year Later
Column September 2002 Cookin' With Leo
Column October 2002 Cookin' with Leo
Column November 2002 Cookin' With Leo
Column December 2002 Cookin' With Leo
Column January 2003 Cookin' with Leo
Article February 2003 Lent, As Promised
Column February 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Article March 2003 Easter Stuff
Column March 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Column April 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Article May 2003 An Editorial: While America Is Waging War
Column May 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Column June 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Column July 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Article August 2003 Get Well
Column August 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Column September 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Column October 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Column November 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Article December 2003 Another Class Act
Column December 2003 Cookin' With Leo
Column January 2004 Cookin' With Leo
Article February 2004 It's That Time Of Year Again
Column February 2004 Cookin' With Leo
Column March 2004 Cookin' With Leo
Column April-May 2004 Cookin' With Leo - April-May
Article June 2004 Extreme Cooking - Cicadas
Column June 2004 Cookin' With Leo
Column July 2004 Cookin' With Leo
Column August 2004 Cookin' With Leo
Article September 2004 A short history lesson on the privilege of voting
Column September 2004 Cookin' With Leo
Article October 2004 Leo, on Darwin's Theory of Evolution
Article October 2004 A Lot More Western Swing
Column October 2004 Cookin' With Leo
Column November 2004 Cookin' With Leo
Column December 2004 Cookin' With Leo
Column January 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Article February 2005 About Passover
Column February 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Column March 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Column April 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Column May 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Column June 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Column July 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Article August 2005 A Little More About Western Swing
Article August 2005 The Enemy Within
Column August 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Column September 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Article October 2005 Editorial: Washington Today
Column October 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Article November 2005 Be American, Buy American
Article November 2005 Leo Goes To Wal-Mart!
Column December 2005 Cookin' With Leo
Column January 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Story January 2006 One of Leo's Tall "Tails'
Article February 2006 February Stuff
Column February 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Article March 2006 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart
Column March 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Column April 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Column May 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Column June 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Column July 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Column August 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Article Sept & Oct 2006 Leo Goes To Washington
Column Sept & Oct 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Article November 2006 Don't Everyone Like Good Music?
Column November 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Column December 2006 Cookin' With Leo
Article January 2007 Great Jobs . . .
Column January 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article February 2007 Great Jobs: Chapter 2-You're Fired!
Column February 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article March 2007 Great Jobs: Chapter 3-Best Job I Ever Had
Column March 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article April 2007 Great Jobs: Chapter 4-A Penchant for ‘ODD’ Jobs
Article April 2007 Democracy - Some Thoughts
Column April 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article May 2007 Great Jobs: Chapter 5-Mom Made Me Quit A Lot of Good Jobs
Column May 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article June 2007 Great Jobs: Chapter 6-Getting Drafted
Column June 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article July 2007 Leo Goes To Wal-Mart, Again???
Column July 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Story July 2007 Great Jobs: Chapter 7-So Who Needs A 4F ID?
Story July 2007 Great Jobs: Chapter 8-Breaking Ice on the Mississippi
Article August 2007 Great Jobs: Chapter 9-I Lost That 4F Card In The Bottom Of The Deep Blue, Caribbean Sea
Column August 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article September 2007 Great Jobs: Chapter 10-A Trip Home For Christmas
Article September 2007 Historical Western Swing - The Lightcrust Doughboys
Article September 2007 A Remembrance for Labor Day
Column September 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article October 2007 The Latest on the Doughboys
Article October 2007 Historical Western Swing - Shelly Lee Alley and His Alley Cats
Article October 2007 Great Jobs: Chapter 11 -- Back To New Orleans
Column October 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article November 2007 GreatJobs 12 - On To The South Pacific
Article November 2007 Current Western Swing
Column November 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article December 2007 Update on Light Crust Doughboys
Article December 2007 Great Jobs 13 - A Promotion So I Stayed Put
Article December 2007 Historical Western Swing - Milton Brown
Column December 2007 Cookin' With Leo
Article January 2008 Great Jobs 14 - Taking Care of The Navy
Article January 2008 Historical Western Swing - Spade Cooley
Article January 2008 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Inductees
Column January 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Article February 2008 Great Jobs 15-Home And Mom Is Finding Jobs For Me
Article February 2008 Art Greenhaw Update
Column February 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Article March 2008 Great Jobs 16-Job Advancements But Not Good
Article March 2008 The Light Crust Doughboys To Appear In First 2008 Concert
Article March 2008 A Piece On Corporate Greed
Column March 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Article April 2008 Light Crust Doughboys Update
Article April 2008 Great Jobs 17-Other Jobs A Few Bad Ones And Then Good
Column April 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Article May 2008 Coffee 101
Article May 2008 Western Swing Personalities-Art Greenhaw
Column May 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Story May 2008 Great Jobs 18-A Great Job For A Long Time
Article June 2008 Western Swing Personalities-Adolph Hofner
Article June 2008 Great Jobs 18-Just Keep Right On Truckin'
Article June 2008 For All My Readers Who Like My Unending Western Swing Articles - Music Link
Column June 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Story June 2008 Some of My Earliest Recollections of Father
Article July 2008 Great Jobs 20-Good Moves
Column July 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Article August 2008 For All My Readers Who Like My Unending Western Swing Articles
Article August 2008 Great Jobs 21-Stupid Moves
Column August 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Article September 2008 Great Jobs 22-New Jobs And Ventures I Never Dreamed Of
Column September 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Article October 2008 Great Jobs 23-Expanding
Column October 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Article November 2008 GreatJobs24-New Ventures I Never Dreamed Of
Article November 2008 Western Swing Personalities-Hank Thompson
Column November 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Article December 2008 Western Swing Personalities-Wade Ray
Article December 2008 Great Jobs 25-Other Useful Jobs
Column December 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Column January 2009 2008 Cookin' With Leo
Article February 2009 Historical Western Swing - Cindy Walker
Column February 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Column March 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Column April 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Column May 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Article June-July 2009 Latest on Light Crust Doughboys
Column June-July 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Column August 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Article September 2009 Some More about Western Swing - Bill Haley
Column September 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Article October 2009 Bulletin from Light Crust Doughboys
Column October 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Column November 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Column December 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Column January 2010 2009 Cookin' With Leo
Column February 2010 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Article March 2010 All About Lent
Column March 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Column April 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Article May and June 2010 Keeping up with The Doughboys
Column May and June 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Column July 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Article August 2010 Historical Western Swing - Hank Penny
Column August 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Article September 2010 More On Western Swing-Bill Boyd
Column September 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Article October 2010 Doughboys Fall Concerts
Column October 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Article November 2010 Bill Anderson
Column November 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Article December 2010 Leo's Notes: Railroad History
Column December 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Column January 2011 2010 Cookin' With Leo
Article February 2011 The KATY Railroad
Column February 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Article March 2011 Labor Unions in the United States
Article March 2011 Deadly Date - March 25th
Column March 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Article April 2011 2011 - More On Western Swing
Column April 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Column May 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Column June 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Column July-August 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Column September 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Column October 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Column November 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Column December 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Column January 2012 2011 Cookin' With Leo
Column March 2012 Cookin' With Leo
Column April 2012 Cookin' With Leo
Column May 2012 Cookin' With Leo
Column July 2012 Cookin' With Leo
Column August 2012 Cookin' With Leo
Column September 2012 Cookin' With Leo
Column October 2012 Cookin' With Leo
Column Holiday 2012 2012 Cookin' With Leo
Column January 2013 2012 Cookin' With Leo
Article November 2016 ASTROLOGY.
Article April 2018 All About Lent, Easter Dates
Column April 2018 Encore: Cookin' With Leo
Column September 2018 Encore: Cookin' With Leo
Column March 2019 Encore: Cookin' With Leo
Column November 2021 Encore: Cookin' With Leo
Column March 2023 Encore: Cookin' With Leo
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