Provocations

By pbobby

Being and Becoming

The more of the mythology that was my comfort and my grantor of security that gets peeled away, the more anxiety I experience. It is much like disrobing for the first time in a public place. Self- consciousness causes me to search furtively for a fig leaf. I must force myself to remember that it was in physical and spiritual nakedness that I came into my humanity to lessen my shame at being totally naked again. For over forty years I have been immersed in this daily metamorphosing.

I am eating more and more of the forbidden fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Having comforting answers by which to live is much preferred to having questions that I cannot answer, much less to have old answers abrogated by reason and scientific revelations.

I frequently long for the peace that once was mine when I knew without doubt that the Bible was infallible, that Jesus had sacrificed his perfect being to atone for my imperfections to save me from an eternal Hell and to assure me that I will live eternally, after this earthly life, in a joyous, indescribably resplendent place of celebration with my Creator and Savior. I also long for that peace of knowing that God will not allow tragedy to strike me or my loved ones while I remain dedicated to the doing of his will according to the Bible and the accepted teachings of my church.

But the tragedies of death and disease have attacked my parents and three of my children without mercy. Such events have caused me to peel away another layer of my myth based religion. This has caused me to simply trust God to see us all through our mortality.

How have I come to this position of dis-ease? I have been blessed with a physical remembering of my birth through a metaphysically vivid fantasy journey into the depths of a cave. I have been blessed with an amazing out of the body experience, and with numerous visits by the spirit of my Father, one of my sons, and one of my daughters. I am not sure these glories would have been mine had I not been willing to explore outside the boundaries of my fundamentalist religion.

I still attend church occasionally, not because I am obligated to do so, but because of un-occasioned yearnings for fellowship and worshiping with song and a sharing of ideas and feelings with friends. It matters not that we have different beliefs in both style and substance – it’s just heart-warming to share my heart with others without fear of judgment from anyone.

The dis-ease (anxiety) has ameliorated, and I have now come to terms with my death, and find living much more exiting. I have somehow received the gift of trust from God. I have this powerful inner voice saying that dying will not be an ending, but rather a new beginning of living in the spirit without the limitations of my body.

My paradigm of self and life in general has in just the past few weeks come to a new reality. A serendipitous meeting in Austin, Texas with my brother Jack’s children, grandchildren and great grandchildren provided the impetus for this new view.

In attendance were beautiful Pam, two of her three children, Steve and Shauna and Pam’s Grandbaby, Zoe (Daughter of Steve and Jessica). Handsome, sensitive Randy came with his two children, Jesse and Shelby whom I had not met, and his friend Simone, one of the most authentic and delightful persons I have ever met. Jack’s oldest son Rick was there with his grand presence and his generous caring spirit. The only three of Jack’s progeny who could not attend were Rick Senior’s children Carrie and Rick, Jr. and Pam’s daughter, Dena. Louise, the Mother, Grandmother and Great Grandmother of these special people completed this gathering of four generations.

This was an invigorating time for me, and all the others unless I missed something during the nearly four days of togetherness. Everyone there made me even prouder to be a Beaty. Did I mention the hugs? Yes, there were hugs! as many as anyone could want.

That Friday evening was so full of pure goodness that my brain nearly reached overload since so much had come my way in just few hours. Surprisingly, I fell to sleep that night in a foreign bed almost immediately, and slept deeply. Saturday, I waked with a peaceful heart and a clear mind. We shared meals out at fine restaurants and crashed Pam’s place for her great home cooking. Another two and one-half days were spent together with entirely too much food and many one-on-one conversations with those who had gathered spontaneously.

The time with these good people never dragged; it just wafted along with joy. Our time of togetherness had come and gone while so-deftly imprinting an indelible sense of delight within my heart.

One of the highest points in this special convocation was initiated by the gift of a book from Randy to his Uncle Bob on the very first evening. While all were preparing for a meal out that first night, I read the print on the cover of The Four Agreements authored by Don Miguel Ruiz. I knew almost immediately that I was in for a treat.

I have read this book with an open mind since returning home, looking to see what it could do for me as I search for a more meaningful guide to spirituality in my life. Don Miguel Ruiz, an Indian, has thoroughly researched the legends of the Toltec Indians of southern Mexico, who were known as women and men of knowledge.

I do not feel that I am infringing on Don Miguel’s copyright by sharing with you the four agreements, which are the heart of this wondrous body of living information.

They are: be Impeccable with your word; don’t take anything personally; don’t make assumptions; and always do your best.

You will just have to get this book of Toltec wisdom to see its fully fleshed out secrets. I find that much of the Toltec Wisdom is congruent with the spoken words of Jesus, his parables and loving actions. I feel that we as Christians have erred by deifying Jesus and forgetting his ways and teachings. We have become theologians of the absolute instead becoming loving, caring replications of the spirit of the Christ.

I fully intend to integrate into my way of life these four agreements. I think they can make my life more vital spiritually and improve the way I treat myself – and others. So far I have failed many times, but will continue this implementing effort. It may be an impossible dream, but for now, it is mine.

I shall see if it makes a difference in my future.