Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

If you are all confused about the death penalty, join the crowd. What with the recent Supreme Court decision and a few rulings from some namby-pamby Governors, it's a wonder that any convicted murderer could meet the requirements to meet his maker. It's tough enough for a jury to wrestle with just who it was that shot the convenience store clerk without having to cope with a killer who was either too old, or too young, or too stupid (or too smart) to be held accountable. The only way out of this mess is to put a freeze on it. No, not the system, just the perpetrators. Here is how it would work:

Simply put, what we ought to do in all capital murder convictions is to freeze the evildoer instead of looking to execute him. Putting the con on ice would, no doubt, have many benefits, not the least of which would be placating the French and everyone in Hollywood. But first a few details need to be worked out.

Say a heretofore-unknown piece of evidence is unearthed after the verdict is in and a new trial ordered. The convicted felon must then be thawed out (after all this is America) so that he may testify on his own behalf. Clearly, storage is going to be a problem. Besides the cost, there's the worry of a power failure particularly in places like Florida and Arizona. It's one thing to lose a freezer full of frozen fish sticks during a power outage, quite another to roust a score of convicted killers from their glacial repose.

Unquestionably, more work has to be done in this area. Perhaps the government could tap the expertise of a few companies already in the field - Swanson and Birdseye, come to mind. This would add a new dimension to privatizing, which is something the Bush administration would applaud.

So far, all seems well and good, but what if the new trial does not persuade the jury? You don't have to be a Martha Stewart to know that re-freezing anything, even vegetables, should be avoided. Perhaps pickling or some other humane form of taxidermy is in order.

And some of our more affluent criminals might give the IRS a real headache when it comes to the Estate Tax. Would that pesky tax be due upon freezing or thawing? If this great nation of ours cannot be certain of even "Death and Taxes," what might happen to the rest of our values?

Undoubtedly, there are some vexing issues to be solved before the cryogenic machinery is put in place. I'm working on it, so in the meantime, stay cool.