On The Other Hand
By
Connie A. Anast
Hello, dear readers! Thank you for being so patient while I moved, changed jobs, changed lives, and came back around to once more amuse and puzzle you with my ramblings. I have missed this portal of expression and angst, and I hope this column will make up for all the time lost. Let's begin.
As some of you know, I live in Utah, about 10 miles away from Salt Lake proper. With the Olympics, and the Californians, now gleefully gone, I sat down to ponder some of the more exotic interpretations and inquiries I have witnessed during the past couple of months. I am now here to educate all of you who have not ventured behind the Zion curtain into the "real" Utah.
Q: Are all Utahn's Mormon?
A: It was once a requirement of a Utah resident to also jointly fill out their gold-plated membership cards to the LDS (Mormon) church. Kinda like a Balley's Health Spa without all the perks. But, truthfully, no, roughly 60% of Utahn's are, indeed, of another faith, or lack thereof, and even 2.3% actually believe William Shatner is the returning Messiah.
Q: Are there really polygamists in Utah?
A: No. Not ever. Well, okay, if you really must know, polygamy was part of the LDS Church doctrine until they settled here and wanted the benefits of being included in the United States, then they had to give it up or the Federal Government wouldn't give them Statehood. That's the cliffs notes version, but accurate nonetheless. There are still some "Restorative" LDS-church break-offs who still practice it, but most of them moved up to Idaho.
Q: Is drinking illegal in Utah? What about smoking?
A: Yes, especially the way I do it! Heh, heh. No, drinking and smoking are not illegal in Utah, but we do have some strange laws surrounding both of those activities. Try and follow me here:
You can't buy a drink in a restaurant without buying a food item. You can't have more than one drink at a time. You can drink without buying food if you are in a Private Club, but you have to be a "member" to be in a Private Club. 1 oz of liquor is considered one drink, and cannot be "free poured," it has to be "metered" from a happy little liquor tap thingie on the top of the bottle, unless the drink you are making has more than one liquor in it, then the first liquor has to be metered, then the rest of them can be free-poured. *GASP*.
Last call is 1am.
Period.
Then everyone goes to Dee's, Denny's or Village Inn.
It's the law.
No brown bagging, open containers, ever, anywhere. You can buy beer (3.2%), wine coolers, Vodka Coolers and Rum Coolers at the local store, (except between the hours of 1am and 10am) but hard liquor, most higher percentage imported beers and all wines MUST be purchased from a State-owned and operated Liquor and Wine Store. They even take credit cards, now!
You can smoke, but be willing to pay OUTRAGEOUS taxes on the pack you're going to purchase; the proceeds supposedly go to anti-smoking campaigns, but I think the Governor has an account in the Caymans. You can't smoke inside any public building, except for a "Private Club," as noted above, and that includes restaurants, unless they have a separate ventilating system, which is so expensive, I have yet to walk into a restaurant and be asked "smoking or non smoking" in over 10 years. You can't smoke within 25 feet of any public entrance. It may actually be illegal for you to smoke outside if the park or area you are standing in posts "no-smoking" signs. Generally, they make it such a hassle, most people quit, or start chewing (now there's a great habit!).
Q: Is Mitt Romney, the SLOC CEO and President, a real person?
A: That is still being debated. I think he's running for Governor of Massachusetts now. God help them. Actually, Mister Mitt pulled the Olympics from the mire and shined it up quite a bit. I have to tip my hat to the man. That is, if I wore hats.
Q: Are all Utahn's crooked, cheating jerks who bribed the IOC into hosting the Olympics for the express purpose of luring young men and women here to work as slave laborers in the Kennecott Copper Mines and ski resorts?
A: Don't know, and you can't prove it.
Q: Well, it was only a question.
A: Yeah, well, I don't like you insinuations. Utahn's are warm hearted people, not all of whom really *wanted* the Olympics, thank you, but who tolerated the "joy-fest" celebrating love and sport because, gosh-darn it, we're good neighbors.
Q: Well, no need to get snippy!
A: Snippy? SNIPPY?! Let me show you snippy, you little.
Ah-hem.
Well, I hope you have found this column enlightening and educating. Keep in mind, I am not an attorney. The laws stated above are mere interpretations of the "Great State of Utah's Golden Plates of Lawfuls" and are not intended to replace those ingenious works (which still prohibit you from selling your cow on Sunday).
My agent said I had to say that.
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