Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

As far as I can tell no one - not President Bush or Secretary Rumsfeld or even Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has given any thought to how my generation, the Greatest Generation, is being affected by this new type of war we are fighting.

Clearly, during national emergencies (wars, and things like that) - men, particularly men of that certain age are subject to a great deal of stress. Red-blooded males egged on by their testosterone and a genetic blueprint to protect their women folk feel that in trying times they should be doing something. But in this present, mixed-up scenario, my boys just don't know what that ought to be.

The high tech aspects of what's been happening are especially stressful. We still have to call a grandchild to program a VCR or find something on the Internet. Not one of us has ever beaten anyone at Nintendo. If, heaven forbid, push comes to shove and we're called upon to pitch in, we wouldn't have a clue how to handle, say, one of those smart bombs; probably fly it right back into the aircraft carrier! And all that night fighting. Fuhgeddaboudit. We're happy that we can still drive around the block after dark.

I posed this dilemma to my therapist and she said there was little that could be done for this type of inadequacy. (No Viagra lurking in the wings here.) She did, though, recommend a couple of things that we could do: a nap before dinner is like chicken soup, it can't hurt, and control of the TV remote afterwards would help, too.

Sounds good to me.

Members of the media are at a loss speculating as to just where Vice President Cheney goes when he slips into his "secure location." This is a dangerous situation because our foes might be emboldened if they think our second-in-command is sick or somehow out of the loop. That's why I think it important to set the record straight, which is really so simple it's a wonder that I'm the only person to have figured out that it's actually two locations (hence the mystery).

1. When Bush is in residence at the White House, Cheney and wife Lynne just pop over to Hillary's place in Chappaqua. Einstein himself wouldn't think of looking for him there, and, heaven knows, the Junior Senator from New York could stand some company once in a while.

2. And Cheney's other secret location is so secret that not even President Bush has been told where it is. That's because when Bush is gallivanting around somewhere in Europe or Texas, Cheney slips into the most out-of-bounds location in America, the Lincoln Bedroom! After all of Clinton's shenanigans, even the Almighty would shun that place. Brave man that Cheney, we're lucky to have him.

For the past five years most people, the CIA included, couldn't quite figure out what was bugging the Taliban, why they were so angry all the time. Finally, recent Intelligence coming out of Afghanistan has yielded some clues. Afghanis, according to a recent report in the Times, were not permitted to fly kites or raise pigeons. Now that's a tough way to live, never being able to tell someone to "go fly a kite" or "you're for the birds." It has to be really, really frustrating.

As if that weren't enough the Taliban's Ministry for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice also banned (amongst a host of other things): television, music, movies, alcohol, VCR's, computers and trimmed beards. Still, the Taliban had a few extra measures up their sleeves for their wives and daughters: women were not allowed to sing at weddings (yes, you've read it right); sewing catalogues were outlawed; female doctors had to wear "old clothing and no ornamentation" when treating patients (other women and then only in an emergency); and the final indignity, women couldn't go out shopping unless they were accompanied by a male relative. (That must be why Wal-Mart has avoided that part of the world like the plague.)

But now that the Marines have landed and there is the whiff of freedom in the air, it won't be long before Afghan women are out in droves strutting through downtown Kabul sporting a head scarf with matching handbag and shoes. And wouldn't that be a sight for sore eyes.