Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

Let's get one thing straight: my generation - the Greatest Generation - had more than just battlefield savvy, we knew how to fight a war on the home front, too. We came up with the likes of John Wayne and Van Johnson; and stirring songs from "Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition" to "Coming In On A Wing and A Prayer" were on everyone's lips.

That's why I was somewhat confused by a recent article in the show business tabloid, Variety. Seems that even with the Taliban on the run, the U.S. Army was still worried about potential terrorist plots. Military thinkers, according to the report, challenged a group of big-name Hollywood writers to use their creativity and try to predict a few likely terrorist scenarios that bin Laden's and his al-Qaida gang might hatch while hunkered down in their caves. Among those in attendance (you can't make something like this up, folks) the piece went on, were the writers of Die Hard and Delta Force One together with the producers of Grease and some television people.

I don't know what the Army was thinking when they called in the Grease crowd. That frenetic type of music is too pro-active. We need something sweet and syrupy to calm down the Taliban. Heaven knows there are more than enough candy-coated Hollywood musicals to go around. The Sound of Music by itself might do the trick for the entire Middle East. If any more scores are needed we can throw some Shirley Temple at them. And then there is always Jane Withers.

And I wouldn't be so quick to tip our mitt with Bruce Willis. That guy is so cool he might actually give the terrorists some new ideas. I would rather have seen a few writers from any number of Esther Williams or Sonja Henie flicks tackle this problem. A screenplay featuring things that are in short supply in that part of the world, say, running water, ice and pretty girls - might distract the terrorists long enough for the coalition to find the bastards.

Don't think for a minute that I've been sitting on my hands just because Hollywood got the first call. In fact, I've been breaking my noodle - thinking out of the box, you could say - about what I could do to stick it to this Osama Bin Laden guy, which is hard to do when no one can find him. Finally, I came up with something and it's so simple that I can't believe no one else had thought of it: if somehow, the CIA could insert my financial planner into that bozo's money network, in a short time, believe me, we would have the son-of-a-bitch where we want him - dead in the water, he wouldn't have enough dough left to buy a used hand grenade.

What I have yet to work out is how to get the terrorist to take a cold call, which is how the genius I'm working with found me. This is not going to be easy with so many of the phones in Afghanistan out of order. But with some special incentives advertised in and around Saudi Arabia, say, the first three trades free and a year of The Wall Street Journal at half off the newsstand price might induce Bin Laden to call my guy. I know it's a stretch, but it worked with me.

Between us - Hollywood and me, that is - it's only a matter of time before we come up with something. Particularly now that the big wigs in the film capital have stopped their incessant braying at our President. Given time, maybe Hollywood can give us another Van Johnson or find something - anything - for Leonardo Di Caprio to do. Wouldn't that be wonderful. And let's not forget, I'm still thinking.