Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

Judging from the spin the media puts on every story you would think that Medicare, Social Security, the high cost of prescription drugs and global warming are the only things that bother the average senior citizen. Nothing could be further from the truth. In America, things like that always work out no matter who gets elected. Getting the grandchildren to come to visit, that's another story. And that means gentlemen that the ball is in your court.

Think back a few years: remember how your kids warned you that Mom was up-to-the-minute, but you seem stuck in a time warp? The War's been over for more than fifty years and you still ask every guy you meet which outfit he was in. Did he see any action? And that "Win With Wilkie" election button that you think is a conversation piece, is not. Probably never was. Things like that make people think you're not, as the kids say, "with-it."

So if you want to live with more than just that occasional holiday or anniversary phone call from the grandchildren, all you guys better listen up and pay attention to:

A Grandfather's Guide To "With It," 101

· You can't stop people from telling you to "have a nice day." So cool it and relax.

· That maroon polyester blazer you bought when you retired, the one with the white buttons. Donate it to Goodwill Industries. Now!

· You know the tartan walking shorts you wear in the summer with those white ankle-length socks and black leather shoes. Don't even try to give that outfit away. Burn it.

· There is nothing illegal about a woman in a thong bikini. You can't make a citizen's arrest.

· No, it's not a shame they took the Lawrence Welk Show off prime time. Life must go on.

· There is no excuse for not liking any music just because you haven't heard it before. Buy yourself a couple of records. Try Engelbert Humperdinck and the Temptations - you'll be pleasantly surprised.

· If Esther Williams and Franchot Tone are still amongst your favorite movie stars, try to get out more often.

· You can stop pretending that you understood "Clockwork Orange," no one did. Switch to "The Simpsons" (it's an animated television program). Smile and nod when the analytical discussion comes up. Muttering, "Um, yes, brilliant," a few times will help, too.

· Your cholesterol level will not go up if you eat dinner anytime after 6:00 P.M. That's a proven fact.

· Trying sushi one night for dinner or driving a Mercedes-Benz will not mean that you lost "The War." No one can take that away from you.

You've already toughed out The Great Depression, D-Day and your children coming of age during the turbulent '60s. Now you're taking on those little darlings, the grandchildren. Just remember that deep down they really love you, and it'll all work out. Have a nice day!