On The Other Hand

By Connie A. Anast

The world never ceases to amaze, astound and genuinely leave me aghast. This column is dedicated to all those who think their antics of stupidity in the workplace go unnoticed. Believe me, folks. We notice.

The following is a true story. I cannot tell you how I know that it is true, other than to say that I was told this story by the very person it happened to. None of that, cousin of a friend's father's aunt in Kukoo, Connecticut. I, of course, will leave any references to persons, places or things as vague as possible so that this person's stupidity will remain anonymous.

Claudia works in a Human Resources office for a major construction company. It is her job to ensure all drivers and operators of heavy machinery are properly drug tested, mostly on regular dates, but sometimes randomly. Obviously, her job is of utmost importance. No one wants someone on meth to be operating a forklift.

Claudia sent a new applicant out for a drug test before the Construction Company could offer him a position. This is so routine nowadays, I think the majority of us would not be surprised if we were asked to do the same thing. He agreed and was given the address of the drug testing facility that would perform the exam. He left, telling Claudia he would rush right over.

In a couple of hours, Claudia received a telephone call from the Drug Test facility. Her applicant had failed the drug test. Surprised, Claudia asked why. She was told that the applicants' urine sample was, of all things, cold. Not just a little cold. It was 50 degrees Fahrenheit. The guy should have been dead. The only thing the facility could surmise is that he brought a sample with him. Ick.

Claudia called the applicant and told him he failed his drug test. He was obviously shocked and requested to take another exam. Being kind-hearted, and hoping he would actually take the test properly this time, Claudia agreed and told him he would need to go right away.

The applicant arrived at the facility and proceeded to take another test. And this time, the results will shock you. He failed. No, really, he failed. The reason? The urine temperature was too HOT! He had actually brought a sample with him that was in excess of 200 degrees! He microwaved someone's urine and brought it with him! This was quite amazing, since he hadn't brought a jacket or anything he could stash it in. He probably hid a Ziploc in his jeans. Ouch, how would you explain THAT burn to the doctor?

But wait! There's more!

Another applicant went in for a drug test at the same facility. He performed his test and when he handed it to the technician, it had an obvious odor of chlorine bleach. When a small amount of bleach is added to a urine sample, it can sometimes mask the use of illegal drugs. Apparently, the guy knew about the bleach part, but had no idea about the small amount.

When the technician took it, she asked him to wait while she checked the bathroom. As she described it, the smell of bleach permeated the entire room. She rejected the sample straight away and asked him to take another one. He told her that he was certain he couldn't go again right away, so could he step outside for a smoke? Sure, she said, just don't leave the property. He didn't have to; he had his buddy waiting in the car, giving a sample into a small container that he would then bring in with him…after his 'smoke'. You can guess that she rejected that sample as well.

If these stories don't give you faith in the inherent stupidity of some people, I don't think anything could. I could give a brief wrap up of this article with something profound, but why?

I think the stupidity speaks for itself.

Have a great summer, everyone! And Just Say No!