Consider This

By LC Van Savage

Could we talk a little about that topless coffee shop trying to open for business in Vassalboro? Sure we can. You can’t say the subject is boring, right? Seems one Mr. Donald Crabtree wants to turn a former motel and pub in that nice little Maine town into a topless coffee mart.

He’s kidding, right? No folks, actually he’s not. Seems that Mr. Crabtree wants to “bring business and jobs” into Vassalboro! Yes! How incredibly noble. How princely. How magnanimous. I’m very impressed. Humbled in fact. It’s clear as water the man really wants to see his hometown thrive. What a guy.

So, there will be a planning board meeting. (Or has it happened already?) Come on now, can the town fathers and mothers actually sit in council chambers and discuss this issue with straight faces? No sniggering? Guffaws? Doubt it. And what if they agree to this new enterprise? If that happens, then everyone of course wants to know who gets to interview and hire the waitresses. And exactly how do they do that? With chaperons one might hope, but I rather doubt that.

“So Gert, you can carry 12 cups of hot coffee and 2 dozen doughnuts across a large and crowded restaurant floor without spilling them and you’ve had 17 years of waitressing experience and never missed a day? Really? Great. You’re just exactly what we’re looking for.” Actually, looking “at” is probably more of what he means, but whatever. So then after the waitress proves her waiting expertise, the hiring person says what? “OK Gert, nice work. Now if you don’t mind, would you please remove your blouse and bra?”

Well, let’s face it. Any woman applying for a waitressing job there knows the owner is not looking for the applicants to model down filled parkas. So then what? If the job aspirant actually does strip off, do the interviewers have a little checklist they follow? Size? check; Firmness? check; Moles? check; Length? check; Circumference? check; Bouncability? check. And then after that, do these now half nekkid ladies have to stroll around the room w/a big tray hoisted in the air loaded with coffee cups while their own cups are being scrutinized? And please, don’t try to tell me that at a topless restaurant, a woman’s mammaries aren’t judged first and foremost and her serving skills judged way, way last, if at all. Let’s face it; if a topless Pamela Anderson wannabe slopped a guy’s cold and old coffee everywhere and sogged up his bear claw, she’d get a huge tip anyway.

Will they hire an older woman? Come on, you know they won’t. Age discrimination at that place is likely allowed because, let’s be truthful here folks, we ladies past a certain age cannot any longer use the terms “perky” and/or “firm” when describing our upper torsos, unless of course we’ve had a little augmentation along the way. And if we have, and we’re in our 80s, let’s be honest, “high and proud” looks a bit weird when everything else on board is banging on our knees.

And what about those women with rather oversized dugs, and yes that’s a perfectly acceptable word so don’t get all offended.

Let’s think about this; waitresses put things on tables, right? Table tops are usually lower than one’s hips, correct? So unless these topless waitresses have been former Playboy Bunnies who were trained to never lean over a table forcing their breasts to become too, let’s say available to the customers, but to kind of sidle up to the table and serve drinks sort of tilting sideways, so unless the ladies wanting to work in the new Vassalboro coffee shop who are heavily endowed want to avoid being splattered and burned, maybe they ought to find work elsewhere. Sorry, but if she’s just a too-big Mama and leans over the table to clear it or serve something, oh my, the visual is alarming at best. Frankly I’m a little grossed out at the thought of a woman’s great bazoom splashing into my table-mate’s tapioca or even flopping into their faces as we struggle to not notice while chomping on glazed blueberry tarts.

They say it’ll all be equal because men will be hired too, and yes you guessed it, they will also be topless. Well there you go. I feel just so much better. Phew. All will be well and perfectly balanced. Yes, a man’s bare chest evokes exactly the same reaction as a woman’s bare chest. Yes. Of course.

Did you happen to notice the people interviewed on TV about this topless place opening? Surprise! Mostly men, who looked thoughtfully and solemnly into the camera and opined as to how this new business would give jobs, bring money into Vassalboro, improve things, build schools and churches. What a great bunch of guys, right? Thinking only of the town. Sherr. So they’re saying that when they go into the new coffee shop for a cup of Joe, they’ll be doing it for the betterment of Vassalboro? Proud, proud, proud. I am moved by their unselfish giving of themselves.

Come on. What are these people thinking? Can someone please tell me? What is the point of all this? Oh, money. Yes, this place will bring in lots and lots of it. And hey, if these waitresses don’t mind stripping down to the waist to serve up pastries and caffeine, why don’t they just take it all off and maybe encourage their civic minded boss to install a couple of poles in the joint while he’s at it?

And please, be truthful, when your server Tiphanye, with no shirt on comes to take or deliver your order, where do you look? At the food?? Your cutlery? I think not. Ask any male customer five minutes later what he ordered.

Well, this is America and anyone has a right to open any kind of establishment they wish to. If this does happen in little Vassalboro, I’ve thought of some really great names for their new emporium, hung on the front of the joint in brightly colored blinking neon. Here’s my favorite. Are you ready? “Boobs ‘N Brunch.”