Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

Talk about luck, people, this summer takes the cake. Now it’s true that I leave my phone listing open to cold callers and my mailbox ajar to receive every flyer and piece of junk mail under the sun. What intrigues me about all these unsolicited offers is the lengths Florida merchants will go to drum up some business during the summer doldrums. Restaurants are particularly hard hit during the dog days of July and August. So I was only a bit surprised when I opened a flyer for a Super Early Bird Special that runs from 3:30 PM to 4:00PM and includes a free glass of wine, a salad and what appeared to be half-a-haunch of beef (the picture was a bit fuzzy) for only $7.98 for two. I haven’t seen value like this since the Automat folded, so I called to inquire if I could get there after four and still qualify for that Super Special.

“No!” I learned. Getting there after four and up to 5:30 would make me eligible for the regular Early Bird. “What’s the difference?” I asked.

“No wine, just a soda,” the voice said.

“Of my choice?” I asked

“Yes, of course”, the voice countered.

“Sounds reasonable to me, but I’ll have to let you know,” I said to the voice that thanked me.

To my recollection, the best solicitation from a cold call came a couple of years ago when I was invited to join a condo mausoleum group, making me eligible for a choice location (you can’t make things like this up, folks). And this year I got sort of a similar offer: I had only to “[f]ill out the attached form to be eligible for a monthly drawing qualifying me for a free “Pre-Paid” cremation” – if I win. (I was tempted to call to ask what I got if I lost, but resisted the impulse.)

The flyer went on to note that besides the “convenience” (their word, folks) and the lower cost, cremation “[h]as less impact on the environment.” Well, now they’re talking I said to myself and immediately forwarded the piece to Al Gore.?