Consider This

By LC Van Savage

All people who write columns indulge themselves by writing at least one column a year about their pet peeves. And today folks, is mine. Do readers care much what ticks us off? Hardly. This world has actually got a whole lot more important things to deal with than one whining column writer’s personal annoyances. But before 2007 is over with I’d like to air a couple of things I find offensive. If you have any peeves, let me know. I’ll listen. Lettuce begin:

But first, they’re not “pet” peeves. Pets are things people like, usually that is, you know, those hairy creatures that shed in and stink up your homes and leave gross deposits everywhere, destroy your furniture and demand food all the time. Things you love. Therefore, my peeves are not pet. They’re just plain ordinary garden variety peeves. Irritants. Angers. Tick-offs.

Number one is simple. It’s the absent-minded or even mindless depositing of supermarket carts in the dead center of aisles while their “owners” wander off in a stupor to look at merchandise 3 aisles away. And to make matters just perfect, they usually leave them slanted across the aisle making passage on either side impossible. So annoying. Why can’t people just park them off to the side somewhere? I remember once feeling a little peevish as I wandered the local bazaar to make my weekly purchases and came up against, literally, a shopping cart piled dangerously high, its owner standing ten feet away studying some flatware. I reached over and pulled that cart out of my way and sailed angrily by. I heard a voice with a distinct Brooklyn accent (I can tell what that is having been born a Noo Yawkuh) that said, with some brittleness, “So! Moved my kaht, didja?” I turned to face that angry woman and allowed as to how I’d done just exactly that. She approached me and I noticed that she had a can of fruit in her hand, and so prudent Noo Yawkuh that I once was, I backed away. Hey, taking a stand is a good and brave thing to do, unless the standee is armed with a #10 can of cling peaches.

And while we’re on the subject of shopping emporia, ladies, and yes, sorry it’s always ladies, do you actually have to balance your checkbook in the check-out line after you’ve paid for your items while 25 exhausted people behind you, some with screaming children are considering killing you if you don’t get your stuff and get the @#%$&*! out of their way? Hey ladies! I’ve got a radical suggestion for you. Balance your checkbook when you get back in your car. Or even when you get home! Now there’s a thought!

Next peeve? This one really pisses me off, no pun I swear. It’s those toilet seat covers in a holder on the wall of public bathroom stalls. (Sometimes. Mostly not.) But when they are there, and you’ve had way too much coffee or soda and your bladder is about to explode like a water balloon dropped from a 10 story skyscraper onto cement, and you want to sit on that clean paper thing, there you are, frantic, dancing from foot to foot while you desperately try to rip those 3 places on the cover where it wasn’t cut. And why is that, please? Can’t those paper toilet seat covers just be ready to go? And then finally in your panic you just violently shred the whole thing, ball it up, collapse on the seat and hope the lady before you showered a lot.

Next? How about those people for whom you hold open a door and they sail through it like royalty, never once thinking it might be nice or actually even polite to turn and say “thank you.” Well, I sure fix them. Yessir. Once they’ve regally strolled thru the door I’m holding open for them, I wait until they’re just past me and shout “YOU’RE EVER SO WELCOME!” and enjoy seeing them turn, stare and shrug with a “what a whack job she is” look and walk on by. Boy, I sure show them a thing or two, right? They’ll know better than to mess with me next time which there never will be.

I’m on a roll here. Tell me, who was the clown who invented those lanes in today’s gas stations? You get into the center of one and can’t move backward or forward after you’ve gotten your gas. Know why? It’s because the morons behind and ahead of you have gotten their gas, washed their windows (I watched a guy also washing the insides of his windows the other day—took about 15 minutes to do the whole car) and then they walk into the convenience store to get a little pizza and soda or whatever, leaving their cars parked in the spaces for other people wanting to get gas. Could they possibly consider moving their cars to the side so others standing in line could get gas too? Apparently not. And what’s worse, they get their food and stand chatting with the cashier for a while. Nice friendly guys. Honk? Don’t bother. You’ll get the bird in response and they’ll stay inside a lot longer just to enrage a lot more.

I have so many more peeves I’d like to tell you about, OK maybe bore you with, but I’ll end with this one because it’s my most favorite and you’ll please forgive my grossing you out. Here it is; people who blow their noses at the dining table. And then what’s worse, they drop the tissue on the table for everyone to view for the rest of their meals. And then what’s worse, some people blow their noses on the restaurant’s linen napkins. Oh gag me! That can wreck the finest dinner ever. How can people do that disgusting thing? And the wait people get to clean it up. That’s a big major peeve of mine and I’ve decided to loudly address it next time it happens, with appropriate gross-out noises. Yech.

Hope your Thanksgiving was great and I’m thankful I could vent about these important peeves. I have lots more, but I’ll save them till next year.