Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

These are the times that try men’s souls. No, I’m not talking about the price of gasoline or the problems we are facing in Iraq, Iran and etc. Our great nation manages to overcome all its obstacles in due time. But soon we will be in the full throes of a presidential election year, which means we have another 16 or 17 months to listen to the presidential aspirants promising, posturing, pontificating and just plain fibbing in order to get to the promised land.

So what are we concerned citizens to do? After all, one false step and we might elect another Jimmy Carter or Richard Nixon or George W. Bush or Millard Fillmore (take your pick). Here’s where I come in: as a public service I sent out my top team of under cover operatives – all CIA trained – to learn what the candidates are really thinking. I had them imbedded not in the campaign, per se or to ask questions at the forthcoming debates, but rather where the candidates let their hair down, i.e. the coffee shops, the lounges, the restaurants and yes, the barber shops. Sparing neither side of the aisle, here is what I learned on how each party will approach solving the problems we face: (Some answers may not surprise you.)

Afghanistan:

• Republicans: Have NATO bolster its forces in the fight against the Taliban
  
• Democrats: Get rid of Bush
  Gasoline prices:
  
• Republicans: Build the country’s first new gasoline refinery in 40 years and drill for oil in Alaska and the Gulf of Mexico
  
• Democrats: Get rid of Bush
  Iran:
  
• Republicans: Press UN for tougher sanctions and threaten naval blockade
  
• Democrats: Get rid of Bush
  Iraq:
  
• Republicans: enlist the Kurds to help fight the Insurgency, press the Iraqi government to declare marshal law in Baghdad.
  
• Democrats: Get rid of Bush
  Imbalance of trade with China:
  
• Republicans: Press Beijing to reevaluate the yen, let it rise and fall with the free market
  
• Democrats: Get rid of Bush or Wal Mart (or both)
  Israel:
  
• Republicans: Get rid of Jimmy Carter
  
• Democrats: Get rid of Bush
  Global Warming:
  
• Republicans: Get rid of Al Gore
  
• Democrats: Get rid of Al Gore

Stay tuned and I’ll keep you posted as things develop.