Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

There are two basic aspects of life that men and women approach from different angles. Take driving for instance, the car in front of you at a stoplight is a nano-second slow getting off the mark when the light changes. More often than not, the woman driver approaches the microsecond delay with equanimity and gets on with her life, while her male counterpart descends into a conniption fit from which he can only be rousted by leaning on the car horn for a full ten seconds. And he won’t make a full recovery until he is afforded time to take a decent nap before dinner.

The other aspect is so inexplicably different between the genders that I suspect a genetic fault line somewhere, which leads to a syndrome I call: MMM – short for Male Mall Madness. Take the average well-adjusted God-fearing guy and put him in a shopping mall with his wife and something snaps. How else can you explain the scene I was privy to the other day when I went to my local Haberdasher to pick up a pair of trousers.

Dramatis Personae: husband and wife (senior citizens) and a salesman
Props: a faux suede light tan sports jacket and a chocolate brown pair of slacks

Husband: What a match! Did you ever see anything like this, honey?
Wife: Yes – looks great! But the seam around the breast pocket is all bunched up it looks terrible.
Salesman: (checking the damage) Gee, you’re right and this can’t be fixed. We’ll have to send it back to the factory. Let me show you another a jacket.
Husband: But I like this one!
Wife: But you can’t wear it, darling. It looks awful.

Husband: But it’s on sale and it’s a perfect match.

Wife: (holding up the jacket) Can’t you see the bulge, dear? Looks like you’re carrying an apple in your pocket.

Husband: But I’ll wear it at night, no one will notice.

Wife: I give up.

So did I. I left.