Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

Forewarned is forearmed, people. I thought it best to mention that right off the bat because I am going to dispense some medical advice and have no medical training whatsoever, not even a First Aid Certificate. Nevertheless, I think that what I have to say, is so important to your health, my health - really everyone's health - that I ought not to keep it under wraps any longer, so here goes: Never go to a hospital Emergency Room if you're sick; I mean really sick. It's too dangerous!

The only time you go to the Emergency room is if you have a condition that anyone can diagnose by merely being in the room. Say a compound fracture of your tibiae or a severed jugular for instance. These are conditions that, say, a Helen Keller could sense if she were within a hundred yards of the problem and would mime an adequate response to the staff forthwith.

But say you have something that requires some thought, some attention; a nagging cough, perhaps or heartburn every time you eat. A backache so intense when you awoke that morning you could hardly get out of the bed and someone had to drive you to the Emergency Room. What Then?

Easy, just register in the nearest 5 Star hotel and call for the staff doctor as soon as you get to your room. Believe me, you'll get the finest of care and you won't have to fill out umpteen forms while you're waiting. And if the hotel is fully booked ask the concierge if there is a cruise ship leaving that day. True, you'll have to pay top dollar for that kind of service, but it's worth it. Just wait until the ship is past the 12-mile limit and call for the ship's doctor. You'll be in good hands. Why in a day or two, you'll be able to make the midnight buffet. Can't beat that!