Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

While we had some friends over a few nights ago we received a couple of cold calls. Our friends were surprised that we had not registered with the "no cold call" list and asked us why.

"Look," I explained, it really doesn't bother me and besides, some of those calls are fun."

"Really, how so?" they wanted to know.

I told them about the time a woman called (dinner time, no less) pitching the benefits of a "one time special offer for a condominium style mausoleum."

"Well, I don't know about that condo thing, there's always squabbles with the board - especially if the roof leaks, no one wants to chip-in," I said, impishly, but she fell for the bait.

"Not to worry, Mr. Meister," she said gleefully, "this roof is guaranteed for life!"

Most of the fun happens with my name: Meister, which simply enough is pronounced, "my stir." But evidently, this pronunciation is not that easy for people from the suburbs of, say, Ulan Bator or the outskirts of Khartoum, where apparently Meister call lists are sold at wholesale rates. So the resulting conversation goes like this:

Caller: "Good afternoon, is this Mr. Meester, or is it Mr. Mister?

Me: "Yes, this is Mr. Meester. (I always chose the former, so I can keep track of where I'm heading. (You'll see why in a moment.) "How are you?"

Caller: Now completely at ease begins her sales pitch, "Well, Mr. Meester, I'm calling about a unique opportunity …………….."

(Here I bide my time until the huckster moves in for the kill.)

Caller: [Continuing] "So, for only two easy payments of $39.95 each, Mr. Meester…"

Me: "Excuse me," I break in. "It's Mr. Mister. Not Mr. Meester!"

Caller: "Oh, I am sorry," she says. "I could have sworn it was Mr. Meester. One caller - a guy - got so flustered, he asked if he could call me by my first name.

Me: "Sure thing, it's W r o c l e a w u t j z, I spelled out and it's pronounced … but he hung up.