Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

Thanks to television, we witnessed a multitude of astounding technical marvels during the war in Iraq: bombs that can be dropped down smokestacks; goggles that transform night into day; satellites that can pick up the signal of a fax sent to a pizza parlor in downtown Baghdad; and a bunch of other stuff that puts the vaunted James Bond to shame.

What the host of television commentators failed to cover adequately were Saddam's Presidential Palaces. Here they missed the boat completely. No, not the sheer size of them or those underground lakes, not even the seven or eight subterranean vaults each able to house Yankee Stadium.

What intrigues me is how in the world Saddam managed to cope with the interior decorating. I mean we're talking 1,000 buildings here, nearly 12 million square feet. The decorator my wife and I used, and she was a crackerjack, took over six months to do one 3,000 square foot house.

Since Americans believe in fair play, no one will be offended if I give credit where credit is due. Saddam finished every thing - including the window treatment and landscaping - in just a few years. All this without Bloomingdale's or Rooms To Go. Still, I couldn't help noticing that all the sitting areas were done in French provincial furniture, so there is likelihood that he had some professional help from Paris. And now that the UN is seeking to get involved with the post war effort in Iraq, we ought to ask Kofi Annan to get Hans Blix's crack investigative staff to check into this. Perhaps this is the link to Saddam's French Connection that the world has been looking for.

Think what you want about Iraq, but don't knock the bank service. Saddam's boy, Qusay, was able to make a billion dollar cash withdrawal from Iraq's Central Bank at four in the morning. Except for possibly Las Vegas, I doubt if a transaction along those lines could have taken place in any bank in America. Eager to see what I could learn about this matter I surfed the Web until I caught a report on one of the Middle East's news channels describing the happening. It went like this:

Teller: Good morning, noble sir, what may I do for you this morning?

Customer: I need to withdraw one billion dollars and may God grant you a place at his side.

Teller: Certainly, my anointed leader, would a cashier's check do?

Customer: Afraid not! I need it in cash, worthy servant of the people.

Teller: Well, this will take a few minutes, oh righteous one; would you care for some coffee and dates while you wait?

Customer: No thank you, gracious friend, I am in a hurry. Please get on with it so I won't have to behead you.

Teller: That is most considerate of you, oh upright one, but I'll need a breakdown on how you want the cash, great leader.

Customer: No problem, I'll take $999, 999, 900.00 in hundreds, four twenties, one ten and a roll of quarters.

Teller: Quarters?

Customer: Yes, for the coke machine at the airport, it doesn't take bills.

Teller: Sorry, we are out of quarters. Can you come back tomorrow?