Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

I don't know about you, but I'm really miffed at those big drug companies. They just don't know when to stop. I'm not talking about the run-a-way high prices for prescriptions. What's bothering me are all those cleverly worded ads to get you to try some medicine or other. Here's the scenario:

You've just had your regular check up and the doctor suspects that you might be coming down with, say, bi-lateral khronkeitis, which, if left untreated he warns, could cause problems. The good doctor makes an appointment for you with the leading specialist in the khronkeitis field. Now you've got a ten-day hiatus before you get in to see the khronkeitis genius so, naturally, you're on pins and needles. You've lived your entire life without once hearing of bi-lateral khronkeitis, but now that damned condition is imbedded in your consciousness. Then it happens, surfing the channels looking (in vain) for something to watch after the six o'clock news, a picture of the setting sun sinking over a snow topped mountain range appears on the screen and a calm, soothing background voice asks: "Are you worried about the possible onset of bi-lateral khronkeitis?"

"Stop the music! Don' touch that dial! They're talking to me here," you shout to no one. And you settle back to listen to the voiceover, which is invariably a dulcet toned female. Nothing beguiles a man more thoroughly than a soft feminine voice, a come-on, after all, is never shouted. So the guy feels he has a chance. For what, he's not quite sure, but he's now primed for the rest of the pitch:

"Speak to your doctor about a new drug 'Keitusgone' specifically formulated to alleviate the symptoms of bi-lateral khronkeitis or call 1-800 Keitusgone for more information on possible side effects (at this point her voice drops to a barely audible whisper) including, but not limited to: spontaneous regurgitation; temporary blindness; significant hearing loss; rectal itch; dandruff and, when applicable, testicular strangulation."

This is enough to jolt your immune system into overdrive and you feel better immediately. You call your doctor; tell him how well you feel and that you're calling off the appointment with the specialist. Your doctor says that if you're feeling better already, it probably wasn't bi-lateral khronkeitis to begin with.

At this point you're almost afraid to ask, but you summon up the courage. "So what do you think I had, doctor?"

"Probably gas," the doctor replies. "But don't worry, there's a new medicine for that now."