Confronting My Inner Bigot

By Clara Blair

This isn't the way I think.
This isn't who I am.
Why does my anger target this man before I even speak with him?

The envelope says "bureaucracy." Its contents bring inconvenience
In a matter I'd been told was settled. Another phone call to make.
Communication with this agency is tedious, but the name on the letter
Raises feelings that shock and sicken me.

This isn't the way I think.
This isn't who I am.
Why does my pulse quicken when I hear the cadence of his voice?

He is a government functionary whose job it is to measure and evaluate
The pounds of paperwork about my physical disabilities that have been
Sifted on his desk. So much intimate personal information delivered
To a stranger who now has a name and a voice.

This isn't the way I think.
This isn't who I am.
Why should his accent make bile rise in my throat?

Several times I have to ask him to repeat questions and comments.
I know how to behave. Some people I love have hearing problems, or
Did not grow up with the language that is natural to me. I am patient,
As is he, and our business concludes amicably.

Except my problem remains:

This isn't the way I think I am.
This isn't who I think I am.
How can I purge the meanness that lurks still beneath my will?

© 2002 Clara Blair