Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

Based on a flurry of recent news reports there is no question that a gastrointestinal malaise has settled over the cruise ship industry. Experts the world over - nutritionists, microbiologists, gastroenterologists and the like - have been called in and are befuddled.

No one has any answers and the entire travel industry is rattled. This bothers me, because my wife and I take at least one cruise a year and being too worried to eat the seven or eight daily meals (plus the midnight buffet) might dampen the spirit of our vacation.

I knew that if this problem were to be solved, I would have to put on my thinking cap. I puzzled over all the facts and even consulted with a few environmentalists and vegetarians, who normally have an answer for everything, but this time, drew a blank. Unfazed, I closed my eyes to concentrate and nearly worked myself into a migraine, but then it came to me. And the solution to the problem is so simple, it's a wonder that no one thought of it before. All the cruise lines have to do to rid themselves of this plague is to close their kitchens and serve only pre-packaged airline food!

No, not those little bags of chips and pretzels that the fly-boys and girls hand out now. I mean the micro waved congealed substances that we used to get a few years ago. I know that that stuff still exists somewhere because I got a plate full of it on a coach flight to Italy earlier this year. Apparently, the glop served on those trays must have a shelf life measured in decades. I ate an identical meal on the return flight two weeks later and made it back in great shape.

My contention is that in the annals of travel no one has been hospitalized due to one of those old-fashioned airplane meals. True, people have gotten a bit queasy, perhaps even nauseous from looking at a tray of those questionable edibles. A loss of appetite, perhaps, but sick, no. That's why you never see a single flight crewmember that is not hale, hearty, and lean. There are no weight problems at thirty thousand feet.

You can go back as far as Amelia Earhart and Charles Lindbergh. Both as thin as rails. Even Jimmy Stewart managed to fight the entire cold war in the cockpit of a B-52 and never gained an ounce. That's one of the hidden benefits of the switch to prepared in-flight meals on the high seas. No one would ever have to worry about gaining weight. A "lose while you cruise" ad campaign would stir the hearts of travel agents all over the world.

I can hardly wait.