Thinking Out Loud

By Gerard Meister

The poor Democratic showing in the recent election has all the liberal political pundits scratching their heads trying to figure out what went wrong. I'm breaking my noodle over this too, and think that I've come up with something. The Democrats kept reaching back, trying to pull something out of an old hat. They were on to something all right, just kept grabbing at the wrong hat.

Sure I know that Lautenberg won in that Jersey flip-flop (or, as one wag put it: "as New Jersey goes so does Ted Kennedy"), but former vice president Mondale, awakened after a seventeen-year Rip Van Winkle repose, lost in Minnesota. So the Dems were on the right track, lacking only a tweak in the process here and there.

At first I thought that Gary Hart or George McGovern might have rushed in and turned the tide, but now I'm not so sure. What with the looming war with Iraq, a candidate from a different mold is needed. Someone who would strike fear in the hearts of Baghdad. And the Democrats already have a guy who fits that bill, Michael Dukakis!

Who can ever forget the image of Governor Dukakis in full battle regalia sitting astride the Army's latest model Abrams' Tank peering out at the horizon. "Dukakis and Gore In 2004," is something the Republicans better start worrying about right now.

There was a piece in the Morgan Quitno Press a while ago that made my Sunshine State blood boil. Seems that that outfit - a prestigious polling organization - concluded that Florida is America's 47th dumbest state, with only Mississippi, Louisiana and New Mexico ranked behind us. (Connecticut was the smartest!) I was about to sit down and write those palookas a really nasty letter when I ran across a news item in a local paper that made me stop and think.

A Jacksonville woman, Laronda C. Robinson, 22, was arrested and charged with being part of an organized ring that has been cashing fake checks in and around Tallahassee. Robinson reportedly went to a neighborhood supermarket to cash a check for $498.35 drawn from the account of Johnson Janitorial Service, a local business (which doesn't exist, according to the police).

But an eagle-eyed clerk noticed the bank name was printed as "Frist Unoin." Police were called and Mrs. Robinson was nabbed as she was attempting to flee in an awaiting vehicle.

What's bugging me about this is not the petty thievery - there are, no doubt, bigger and smarter crooks in, say, New York or Washington - but Mrs. Robinson reportedly cashed a similar check earlier the same day at the same store! And a week before cashed another "Frist Unoin" bogus check for $397.35 at that same supermarket. And now that the cops are alerted a local Wal-Mart reported that one of its emporiums was flimflammed when a clerk cashed a like "Frist Unoin" check.

Something has to be done if Florida is ever to make the grade and climb to, say, 30th or so on the smart/dumb list. And I don't think it's necessary for every single one of us to recall exactly who it was we voted for in the last Presidential election. That's water under the bridge. What we ought to do is make sure that every spell-check in all the computers sold in Florida is up to snuff, reduce class sizes, give each cashier in the state a school voucher and add fluoride to our drinking water.

Then watch our smoke.